Arrivederci

Have you ever had a year, that when it ended you were so sure that year fundamentally changed you? That was (and is since there’s a few more days left) 2017 for me.  

2017 was my first full year in Nassau. It was as my first full year living completely alone with no parents or roommates (the last time I tried it I was so lonely I cried everyday and then took the train to see my then bae every weekend and stayed as long as I could). It was the year I traveled more with friends and experienced new things. It was the year I opened myself up to relationships instead of situationships. It was also the year I decided that I did in fact want to be a mom - although I still don’t know if I actually want to be responsible for raising a child. It’s a weird dichotomy, I know.  

If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, especially the 25th birthday blog, or follow me on twitter, those last few sentences might shock you. But, that’s how much the things that happened to me in 2017 shook me to the core. It made me open to things I may have been vehemently against in the past. 

This year has made me determined to live more, to love more, to experience more, to inspire more and be inspired, to be more compassionate, more understanding and more open. I always say I’m an open book and for the most part I am. If I’ve gone through something and the topic comes up, I won’t hide my experiences. However, I know a lot of the things I’ve faced this year are things people are going through and if I spoke openly about it I can be a source of help of comfort to someone else but I’m just not there yet in my journey of dealing with everything this year has thrown my way.  

I feel like I’ve been truly coming into my own since I moved back to The Bahamas a few years ago, but this year shifted what coming into my own looks like for me. Not to say that who I was before now was wrong, but that my path is changing and I think I’m becoming a more rounded and more emotionally intelligent individual. I’d be lying if I said that my confidence in certain areas of my life hasn’t been shaken in the process.  

Wanting to be a mom isn’t the only thing that has changed about me this year. I have been struggling with the fact that internally, I think it may be time for a career change as well. It has been a while since I have felt inspired or passionate or enthusiastic about my work. I have always felt like I was good at what I do, but with a lack of passion, admittedly that confidence is wavering.  

The dark place that my career and where I feel it was and wasn’t going birthed passionxproject and for that, I’m eternally grateful that even through a low I was able to develop a high. In trying to get my own passion back, I have been blessed to learn about the passions of others and how they were able to get to that place. Hearing about other people’s passions completely invigorates and inspires me to keep going on my journey into finding my own. Yes, my hands might be burning while I’m transcribing the interviews because I’m one of the few people that still likes to hand transcribe, hearing people gush about what makes them happy, brings me a level of joy that is hard to put into words.  

I have without a doubt had some rough moments this year. I remember going to see a friend’s new place and breaking down crying during our conversation after the tour. I remember crying in front of bae during a seemingly normal conversation. And even though I was so embarrassed to be crying, it was so necessary because up to that point he wasn’t sure if I was a human with emotions. But I’ve also had some great moments. I’ve seen Bruno Mars with my best friends, I’ve continued my tradition of taking birthday photos. I’ve seen parts of The Bahamas I haven’t seen before. I’ve swum with the sharks. I’ve done my best to exemplify service above self. I’ve participated in Junkanoo Carnival. I’ve lived. I’ve loved. And most importantly, I’ve learned and grown. 

This year has fundamentally changed me in a lot of ways, and if you take me out to eat I’ll tell you how and why. But I’m not afraid of the change. It was a change that needed to happen to soften me. I think that in coming into my own I may have begun to become too blunt and too harsh. But this year has made it so that I have to express my emotions and put me in contact with people that require me to be softer and more compassionate. After a year like 2017, I’m definitely looking forward to what 2018 has in store for me. I have my journals and my planners ready.